As I've mentioned before, Homie has a non-traditional schedule. If he worked only his scheduled days, I think he would work ten days per month. Overtime is available in his position (and may not be for long) so he tries to work as many off-days as he can. Most of the time, OT is available only in between his regular shifts (as opposed to his long stretches of days off). This means he's usually gone between 2 and 6 days in one stretch. Although I have a super flexible work-from-home job, my main responsibilities are taking care of our babies and The Magic House (our new home). My plate is full.
So...2 days by myself is cake. 3 days is okay. 4 days is pretty hard and 6 days is when I lose my damn mind. We started dating during his year of probation, so I've never known life with him any differently than this schedule. The only difference is now we have two (small) kids. This is our life and most of the time, it's a piece of cake.
Last week was the end of a 6 day stretch. It was too much. I never really felt like I had "recovered" from that stretch, then a few days ago another long stretch started. Yesterday was his only full day home this entire week and it was filled with chores, laundry, errands, a quick park visit and dinner. Last night, realizing our one day had flown by, I broke down with a tear-fest that would have totally impressed our two year old (sometimes) drama queen.
"I am not ready. I can't do this. It's too much." and my usual "I need more time!"
He did what he always does. Apologized. Snuggled. Wiped away tears. Told me I'd be fine. Then started snoring. ; )
This morning, I woke up in a panic that he was still asleep 30 minutes past departure time. He feigned shock and then smirked. He had taken the morning off to take care of his
So, the babies wake up and start whining and fussing immediately (which is weird because they are usually really happy in the morning). Our daughter found her happy place pretty quickly but our son, not so much. Whining, crying, fussing all freaking morning. It was awesome. ; l
Then, this happened:
Me: (Exhausted, SO tired of the crying boy, knowing Homie is leaving soon, over it)
Homie: Uh-oh. (Looks at me like I've sprouted another head)
Me: Remember when we used to go on vacation and all there was to think about was eating and drinking and having fun? All the responsibilities faded away and we could just relax? Will we ever feel that again? I feel like my brain is always full. Like even when the babies are not physically there, they are in my head. Will I ever have my brain to myself again?
Homie: Nope. They'll always be there. Are you saying you need to leave and get a break?
Me: (Bursts into tears) I don't want to go anywhere, and I don't want to be sad! I love my babies and don't want to be away from them, I just want my brain to get a break. To have nothing in it for a little bit. I don't care if it's in our own living room that this happens. I just need my brain to myself.
Then it hit me. I've had this moment before. When I desperately want to think about nothing and I consider going on a girls' trip/vacation/whatever but I know my brain will still be full of worry and naps and toddler food ideas and birthday gift lists and preschool tours and schedules and BLAH BLAH BLAH. Where can I escape my brain?
Then I realized my mental breakdown of the last 24 hours has finally led me to exactly what I'm looking for: pre-child vacation brain.
So, that is my question for you, bloggy friends. Is vacation brain possible after children?
If it is, how do you find it?
Any advice is appreciated.
Xs and Os from the Looney Bin.
Sarah
I know that I have missed 2 of our "girls trips" and your wedding! Reading this blog makes me remember why I missed those important and fun times! I don't want to stress you more V...but now you actually have the time and flexibility while you have kiddos that are not in school and do not have activities/sports that require their attendance. Our Vegas trip is a good example! My Littles were young enough that Ryan could take a few days off and stay home with all 4! Our girls trips and your wedding were big decisions for me...I wanted and "needed" to be there, but had to make a decision of what had to be missed...ME time or my Littles!? Do I throw their lives out of whack for a few days? Do I let Daddy and Grandpa juggle their schedules and hope it turns out OK? What if Nico (who has special needs)has a bad day and noone can help him? What if I miss a win, a milestone, a needed hug? Don't get me wrong...I know plenty of moms that take ME time, trips, go out for dinner and drinks with friends...they are still good moms. I chose to be with my BOY and Littles:)I love being here and don't mind the crazy!Chira is already 14...in 4 years she will leave to college! Time is precious to you and your babies...DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR YOU! If you need time to make you feel sane, then take it:)
ReplyDeleteI loved reading about your current 'lemon' as its a snap shot of your life right now:-) However, like shampoo effect, it quickly brings back those same feelings I used to have when enduring rough days in a row as a mommy of small children. I recall a point where I fantasized I was in sudden need of ACL surgery (or the like...) that I would get a forced & much needed break. Too bad my knees were fine. Well, that AND what a super-lame solution!!
ReplyDeleteReally, as i look back, I did only two things that ever worked for me as desperado; let go of my expectations/schedule for a bit & do something on my to-do list that took more than 15 minutes. The first solution to 'let go' is a no-brainer but would sometimes be VERY difficult to do. Schedule, proper eating, appropriate/stimulating playtime, etc. is part of our charge as moms and we work so hard and are purposeful at almost every turn but it can be too difficult to maintain at times. The second solution, a to-do item that takes a good chunk of time, would bring me relief in that I got-er-done AND that my thinking and mental meandering could just flow in peace as I did my 'chore'. This was always huge as our thoughts as well as tasks are interrupted constantly with small children...this was always the mental part for me. No trip or fake ACL injury required! Heres to you friend & fellow mama, may your peace be found and stick around for a few weeks:-)
You're going to be better than fine mamma. Your sense of humor will carry you through!
ReplyDeleteI think it takes awhile for our brains to realize that this is REALLY who we are for now and forever. The old life is truly gone, but this new life promises to be bigger and better than anything else.
In 4 years when your kids are where mine are today, you'll be amazed how easy life has become. Hang in there lady! Congrats on your wonderful blog :-)